seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
