She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You pole danced in your parka.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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