Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize