Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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