well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We need to get me chipped asap
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
