What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
