When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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