remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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