I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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