this boner is exhausting
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
