and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
