I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize