I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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