Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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