I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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