Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
