You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
