oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
