Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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