I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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