a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Less talking, more tequila
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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