Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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