I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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