we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
it was like eating out sand paper
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
