"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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