I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
