Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
