She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
