Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I cannot find my penis.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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