My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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