Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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