I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
