hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
