The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
