I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
