if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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