life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
