All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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