i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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