I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
