Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
