You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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