I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
