I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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