You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
