Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
