The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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