My friends, they love my intelligence
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
