Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
