Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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