He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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