dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
