I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
