Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
