i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
