I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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